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20 and 20 Exercise

Don’t panic, it’s called “20 and 20” Exercise not “2020”. Why am I sharing an exercise routine with you? Because I want everyone to be happy and healthy. I have a great remedy for curing dry throat. One day I was using it and my father in law, who knew me for years, asked: “What is that?” I said: “My dry throat remedy, wait a minute, I never told you?”. My bad for forgetting to share.

So here it is, my Golden 20 and 20 Exercise Routine! Drum Roll Please!

Step One: Before you get out of bed every morning do twenty sit ups.

Step Two: Before you get into bed every night do twenty push ups.

Step Three: Repeat every single day.

That is it!

Seriously That is it!

Stop reading and go back to what it is that you do!

Okay, if you must read on I will share with you the reasons this exercise works so well (See photo above): 1) It is extremely simple to do and remember. 2) It tunes your body. 3) It follows natural principles.

One, Easy does it. I recently finished reading “Everything is F*cked, a book about hope” by Mark Manson. In it he talks about our two brains, the emotional brain and the logical brain. We don’t like to admit this but 99% of our decisions are made by our emotional brain. Case in point, smoking is logically bad, but if it makes you feel independant, free, cool, rebellious, relaxed after a long hard day. Then light me up and fill my lungs with carcinogens. While you are at it, pour me a stiff one on the rocks. Traditional exercises don’t work because they make you go through too much pain: the pain of driving to the gym; the pain of changing in a smelly locker room; the pain of wiping someone else’s sweat off the machines; the pain of looking at hot bodies and then the mirror. And this is before you even lifted an ounce of weight. After an hour of excruciating pain you have to repeat the wiping, changing and driving. This is why bodybuilders have faces of pain (see photo below). The 20 and 20 Exercise gives you a bit of pain, but before your brain can register this as suffering it is already over. The Blue Orb never got to the central storage, if you know the movie Inside Out. So your emotional brain cannot sabotage the routine by making up a million excuses. When you can trick your emotional brain into doing some good you are well on your way to self mastery.

Two, tune ups are better than overhauls. If your body is a vehicle what would it be? A high performance race car? A reliable family vehicle? A black chrome sports car? A polished work truck? (Shhhhh! Let’s just keep this between you and I – Your body IS a vehicle!) Before you exercise you should have the end in mind. What is the point of it all? Do you want to attract the opposite sex or do you just want to avoid health problems? Do you want to extend your time on earth or do you want to enjoy the great outdoors? Quantity vs. quality. Crispy outer crusts vs. juicy chewy centers. Of course you can have multiple goals but be sure about the most important one or you’ll never get there. To take care of a car you give it seasonal tune ups, drive it regularly and pay attention. You don’t go over the Grand Canyon on a scorching day with crappy tires and a payload on the roof rack tied with dollarama bungee cords. Traditional exercise plans and diets are like major over-extensions and overhauls. Do this for 90 days and lose 90 Lbs. Eat this for 60 days and measure your waist and cry about it. What happens after 90 and 60 days? The 20 and 20 Exercise, instead, is an easy life-long commitment. Regular tune-ups with simple tools. To your body parts, it’s like an army camp row-call whistle. We don’t need you to fight a war just yet but stand at attention everyday with your shirts tucked in and boots shined so we know you are not snorting cocaine with a pet rooster somewhere outback.

Three, Nature knows best. We are all just cavemen/cavewomen in fancy clothes playing with fancier toys. We evolved from a lifestyle of long periods of rest, moderate movements and short bursts of running and stabbing at wildebeests. Our lungs, hearts and legs are built for long distance walking and running, but our brains will not allow it unless we are socially bullied by a pride of sabertooth kitties. How to navigate this dichotomy of laziness versus activism? How to persuade the brain to keep the joints lubricated and the muscles strong in an age where we don’t have to chase after lunch and worry about becoming dinner? 20 and 20 Exercise does this quite ingeniously.

9:45PM, A dimly lit bedroom. Marvin Gay seeping through old maroon wallpaper from the neighbour’s record player.

Emotional brains: “I am beat, time to watch some Outlander with a nightcap and doze off.”

Logical brains: “Fine, but let’s do 20 pushups first. It’ll make you feel better. I promise.”

Emotional brain: “Piss off!”

Logical brain:” Come on! it’s just 20! don’t be a wimp!”

Emotional Brain: “Eat my shorts!”

Logical Brain: “We’d be done already!”

Emotional Brain: “@#%&!”

Logical Brain: “Look, here’s a nice and plush piece of carpet beside the bed. I just vacuumed it yesterday. Just put down our hands and feel how soft it is.”

(A long beat)

Emotional Brain: “Fine! But I am having pretzels and that half bottle leftover champagne with my Netflix!”

20 push ups later, your body turns off the light and goes to bed, sans the snacks and TV.

End of scene.

So there you go. My 20 and 20 Exercise routine. It’s not perfect but neither are we. Dear readers, in 20 years, don’t come to me and say: “What!? you have an exercise routine?! No wonder! Why didn’t you tell me??”

Ps, did I mention what 20 and 20 Exercise does to your love life? If not, see my upcoming videos.

Pixar’s Inside Out – Freud for Toddlers.

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